scattering mindless trivia

Archive for the ‘They pretend they aren't my family’ Category

Vegas

Sunday, November 1st, 2009

vegas

Every year my family gets together and we take my 85 year old mother to Las Vegas for a week.  I must admit my family is crazy, and we end up returning with sore cheeks from laughing so hard!  This year was no different.  We headed out the beginning of September knowing we would be spending a week of laughs (alcohol is added to the mix).

This is where my cousin comes in to play.  Since I usually have a drink or two……….I have told him his mission in Vegas is to make sure I don’t get married again!!! After the string of bad luck I have had lately (will go into it later), he said he thought I would need a GPS unit!

He did his job well.  I am back home safe, sound, and still single…………………

And very glad that what happens in Vegas………………………….

Two Peas In A Pod……….

Friday, May 29th, 2009

peas

 

She drives a car just like mine.
Thought you only liked those sporty, hot convertibles.

She eats peanut butter with a spoon straight from the jar like me.
Thought that was gross.

She loves to work in her flower bed and garden like I do.
Thought you hated to get those perfectly manicured nails dirty.
 

She washes clothes only if her family is starting to rewear their underwear, hey same as me.
Thought that was pretty lazy.

She grows vegetables like me and plans on freezing them for winter like I always did.
Thought that was why God invented grocery stores.

She sews and creates fabric art project, just like I love to do.
Thought sewing was lame and for old people.

Don’t look now, Earth Child. And I really don’t know how to tell you..
But (hehe) you have become your mother.

-

The Birds and the Bees

Wednesday, May 6th, 2009

baby

“Mommy, where do babies come from?”

My sweet little daughter Earth Child was becoming more and more persistent. She was not buying the “miracle from heaven” story any more.

When my son started asking questions, I did what any good mother would do………I told him to go and ask his father.

Well, it was my turn with daughter.

I tried to make it as age appropriate as possible. Giving her some facts without way too much detail. In fact, I was quite proud of myself, being sensitive to her absorption of the ’facts of life’.

When I was done with my “mother to daughter” talk, she looked at me with a wrinkled up nose, her face skewered in disgust………..

“Oh, gross………………and you had to do that TWO times!!!!!”

Yup………..only twice……………..

-

April Fools Day or Where Did She Come From

Friday, April 3rd, 2009

april-fool 

April Fools Day.

 

It falls on the same day every single year…………….nope, never changes………ALWAYS was and always will be April 1…..

 Okay, it has already passed this year, but there is a certain member of my family that usually causes some drama on this day…………….

 

 And yet, every year my family completely forgets about this day.

At least everyone but my sister.

 

Sister Wise One truly believes April 1st was invented specifically for her.  She is the Queen of practical jokes!

 

For instance, one April Fools Day I came home from work and of course being a creature of habit, I immediately went to the sink for a glass of water.

When I turned the faucet on, the sprayer blasted me with water in the face and down the front of my new silk blouse.

Yes, the sprayer nozzle was taped down.

My children sang like birds….

They couldn’t rat her out fast enough…. “Aunt Wise One made us do it!!!!”

 

Or , poor Wise One’s husband……………….

There was an April Fools Day that………………

She thought it would be funny to color his hair red while he slept.

So………………..the setting was perfect.

“Wise One, I forgot to rinse the conditioner out of my hair, will it hurt it?”

“No, dear”………she ran to the phone calling me in hysterics……. this was perfect ,because he would think the conditioner turned his hair color during the night.

Poor Wise One’s hubby……………………….

He unknowingly fell asleep.

Well, Wise One could only find spray temporary hair color .  She started spraying, and the sound kept waking him up.

She would act all nonchalant, and he would fall back asleep thinking he was dreaming.

Finally, she had to quit, but she at least got one side of his hair sprayed red.

 

Morning scene:

Screaming coming from the bathroom.

“Oh my God!! Help!!  My head is bleeding!!!  There’s blood everywhere!!!”

She still can’t tell this story without laughing so hard she’s ready to pee her pants.

 

I have learned on April Fools Day…..

Do not answer my phone.

Do not answer my door.

Check behind every corner, table or bed.

This woman is sick………………………