zelzee

Man Shopping

Ok, my friend Jill decided she was going to meet a man in the grocery store.  Everyone told her that was the place to meet single men.

So, she got herself a Starbucks, a cart and proceeded to mosey around our local grocery store in search of Mr. Perfect. 

After one hour of wandering aimlessly up and down every aisle, not one single man approached her.  “This is really stupid”, she thought………”I am going to take the initiative and approach some of them”.

“Hi, do you come here often?”
Man rolls eyes.

“What do you think is a good salami? I really like salami.”
Second man rolls eyes.
(Oh, my gawd……………did I really just say that???)

“I find it so relaxing to shop with a Starbucks coffee, don’t you?”
Third man rolls eyes.

“So, hey! Are you single?”
And another man rolls eyes.

Suddenly, she realized she was being followed. This guy was checking her out, but when she tried to catch his eye, he would look away. She was on a mission, now. Shy men were her weakness. And this guy was really, really cute. Maybe there was something to this grocery store thing after all!

She would navigate her cart next to his……..all the while smiling and batting her eyelashes. He tried to get around her……………Jill wouldn’t let him pass. He would stop and try to go down another aisle. Jill followed.

She couldn’t take it any more! She marched in front of his cart, causing him to screech to an abrupt halt.
“So, like do you want my name and number, or what?”

He sighed………..”Lady, only if you’ve stolen something. I’m security. Now, would you mind moving?”

Jill has decided there is absolutely no need to ever set foot in a grocery store ever again……..
she doesn’t cook, anyway………….and hey! there’s always fast food!!!

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Posted in Tales from the single road | 19 Comments »

The Perfect Match?

I have a single friend, Jill that has been checking out some of the internet dating sites.  Now, quite honestly, I am so glad she is back in the swing of things and starting to date again.  You’re probably thinking because I want to see her happy…………..well, yes, but really I have to admit her dating stories are the most entertaining part of my day!

She says on these sites you have to weed out the guys that tend to throw “bad vibes”your way.  This would be ones with names like: “Spank Bad Daddy”, “Harry Hung”, or “Sir Pumpalot”.

Ok, now you send little messages back and forth, then finally decide to meet.  This is where I warn her (always a mother) to meet in a public place, tell someone where you are meeting, and always carry your cell phone.  Maybe some garlic or a taser, too…… I’m sorry, I read alot of serial killer books, and I don’t think there is a question on the form asking if they have a tendency to dismember their dates.  I could be wrong……………..

Today Jill was telling us about this one guy she met after work.  (Yes, men, you will be ripped apart by all of her friends, and used for blog fodder the next day). Well, it started well enough.  He was a human being, and he was breathing.  So far, so good.

As they were talking he was concentrating so intently on every word she spoke.  She was very impressed to see he was paying such close attention to her.  Maybe this was someone with whom she could share  meaningful conversations.  Jill proceeded to tell him about her job, family, and some of her future goals.

He stood up right in the middle of her conversation……looked down at her and said, ‘I’m sorry, but you are freaking me out!  Your hair is the exact same color and style as my mother’s” .With that he turned around and walked out the door.  Jill just sat there in shock, her mouth wide open in surprise.

“Perhaps I need to tweak  my profile a bit,” she related.  “But then again, how bad could Spank Bad Daddy be?”

Oh, man, this is going to be one fun summer………………

Posted in I Get By With A Little Help From My Friends, It's all good, Tales from the single road | 18 Comments »

Dating With A Capital C

“Hey, baby, want to go out ?”

“Maybe we can meet for lunch.  You have to eat, right?”

“How about a movie? I hear this one is really good.”

“Dinner………….then maybe, *wink*wink*.”

“This play has had great reviews, would you like to see it?”

“Can I call you sometime?”

(Yes, even someone as old as me gets asked out………)
And in the course of the conversations, my being a cancer survivor comes up.

Suddenly my dance card is empty…………and my phone is silent……..

Cancer has a way of doing that.

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Posted in Cancer puts a damper on your social life, Tales from the single road | 14 Comments »

Sleepytime

When I was single, there was a point where I needed a new mattress.  My present one was years old, and I could feel the coils poking into my ribs all night long………making for a very uncomfortable nights sleep.

After much searching I found a luxurious pillow top which promised to cure all my back ailings and keep me sleeping through the night……..best of all, there was a guarantee.  If for any reason I was not satisfied, I could return it, and replace it with any other mattress they had in stock.

Excuse me………….I’m not just another pretty face, here, folks…..This was a win-win situation all the way around.

The store delivered my new mattress, and removed my old one.  I was so excited to finally get a good nights sleep…………

I didn’t.  It was awful.  My back ached worse than it did with my old one.

Back to the store.  I picked out another one.  Maybe I would go with one not as soft as the luxurious pillowtop.  I decided to try a firmer mattress.

Store delivery, and removal of the too soft pillowtop.  Ok, now! Now I’m excited to get a good nights sleep………….

Wrong! I was up all night tossing and turning.  Couldn’t get comfortable. Maybe too firm?  I was starting to get very frustrated as I made my way back to the store…..for the third time!  I don’t think the sales people were starting a fan club for me at this point.

I chose another one I hoped would be the answer to my prayers.

Here we go again.  Delivery and removal.  At this point I was on first name basis with the delivery men.  I was planning on adding them to my Christmas Card list.

As they pulled out of my driveway, it was then I noticed all the neighbor biddys peeking out their windows from behind their curtains.   It then dawned on me what this looked like to all my neighbors…………I could just hear them:

“Oh my Gawd,……..That trampy little Zelzee……….well, lordy, she just wore out her third mattress in less than four months!!!”

It just made me smile………………..

Posted in Simple Pleasures, Take a peek at me, Tales from the single road | 12 Comments »