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Archive for the ‘I'm how old!’ Category

Perks of Aging

Wednesday, March 18th, 2009

old-lady

Went to visit a relative who is in a “skilled nursing facility”…………………..aka……..stuck in a nursing home until THEIR doctor declares them healed enough to leave. This is usually 30 days. A miracle happens on day 31 and you are discharged………………….nothing to do with the fact that insurance covers you for only 30 days……………..hmmmmmm

The friend who was with me at the nursing home is a very gullible bleeding heart compassionate soul. She grinned from ear to ear when a sweet little dolled up Resident perched in her wheelchair reached out for her hand. Resident sweetly asked my friend if she was her daughter.

My friend softly replied “No, dear, I’m not.”

Resident then shrieked at the top of her lungs “You son of a bitch, I hate you!” ……………all the while shaking her fist in my friend’s face.

Needless to say, me and friend made no more eye contact or kindly gestures to the residents.

Now this little experience got me to thinking…………………….(friend is still in therapy), but that’s a different story……………….there ARE perks to getting old. You just have to look past the loss of bodily functions to find them.

  • No more dentist visits…………..just drop ‘em in a jar at night and glue them back in the next day.
  • Canes………..If someone says or does something you don’t like, you can stomp the  cane down on their foot and saying innocently, “Oh my dear, I am so sorry”. They may look at you suspiciously, but they can never prove a thing.
  • Handicap placard…………..sort of like the best seat in the house.
  • Depends………you’ll never miss another part of a movie again.
  • Free coffee refills at McDonalds – needs no explanation…………the word free is involved.
  • Staying with the food theme……….senior discounts at the local “buffet” restaurant…..the word discount is involved.
  • Senior Fairs………These little events are filled with hundreds of “give aways” that you don’t need, but you take two of everything anyway…………again, guess what word is involved………you’re catching on here!
  • You can play the game “scare the shit out of the driver behind you”……..when they can’t see a head in the driver seat of your car. 
  • Forgetfulness…………is accepted and expected.
  • You can say, “You son of a bitch, I hate you!”

Work It Baby, Work It Out

Monday, March 16th, 2009

I promised myself I was going to be sooooo good this year and start an exercise program in 2009.  I was going to begin on January 1.
In fact this was Zelzee’s #1 New Years Resolution.
I gave this resolution deep thought in January, and serious consideration in February……along comes March………is there a statute of limitations on resolutions? No?


Well…………
I remembered these great ab exercises in one of my favorite magazines a few months ago……..yes, yes, I am getting excited………..an ab workout is just what I need!!!!
So, I dug through my bags of recyclables……………whew! I sure have alot of paper crap  junk mail and papers………
Ok, ok, back hurts from bending over so long, but I FOUND IT!!!!

magazine

Ok, hot bod………….I’m on my way……

Weights……….weights………..where are my weights?
Oh no, did I sell them in my garage sale? (There’s not much I  I won’t do for a quarter). No, I’m sure I didn’t…………so where…………..

PLEASE…NOT IN THE BASEMENT!!
That is the Bermuda Triangle!!! Anything that sail down those steps disappears………………never to be viewed by human eyes again.
Thank you! Thank you! Found them little suckers…………..they were hiding in the hall closet………….come out, come out, little guys, I won’t hurt you.


weights

Not to worry, I’m still pumped about working out…………..I guess

Wait! some of these exercises call for a resistance band…………………….where?
Oh…………………there………
band
Starting to get a little edgy here……………
No, Zelzee, get serious………It’s time to start working out!
Sigh……………
Now I need my reading glasses to read how to do these exercises…………….
Double sigh…………
What to wear? I don’t have a stupid  cute little exercise outfit like the girl in the magazine.
Stress, stress……
Will these exercises only work if you are wearing matching stretchy thingys? Oh, God, even her shoes match her outfit!

 

Just shut up, and start already!
Start on the first exercise…………..ouch! ouch! pain……………
what do you mean I have to do more than one?……..10 reps?………..are you a masochist flippin’ for real?
Something is strained………….or pulled…………………or torn, and I haven’t even picked up a weight yet.
Know what? Forget this!………..why should I put my body through this unnatural torture?

Tops are big and baggy this year…………….
And who needs to see my butt?? I’ll just walk around backwards…………

Alrighty then………………I’m repossessing this resolution.
Problem solved!!!!!

All this jumping around here like an idiot loon  commotion has made me hungry!
Give me a minute…I’ll find that chapter on healthy eating!


burger

Tomorrow……….