scattering mindless trivia

Archive for March, 2009

The End To My Peaceful Existence

Tuesday, March 10th, 2009

 

 ”But he’s single and he’s sooooooooo nice…….”

It’s starting.

Everyone is trying to “fix-up” Zelzee.
They say, “It’s time.” Yep, time to stomp on and squish my state of singledom.
Doesn’t matter that I say no.
Doesn’t matter that I like my life just fine.
They feel I certainly couldn’t be happy by being alone………………..
They are wrong.

Besides, there are other reasons why I don’t want to date right now:

I’m tired………………..

Dating is just way too much work! Sheesh…………….it means shaving your legs, matching your bra and underwear (well, maybe not on the first date), holding your stomach in, trying to walk and make your butt look smaller at the same time, color your hair and maybe throw in some highlights (or are they called lowlights…………………what the hell are they?),
And
how do I camouflage varicose veins, cellulite, saggy butt (remember that walking part up there), arm flab that flaps in the wind, and age spots……………..I could go on, but it will only get uglier……….

Thank you, Thank you, all my well meaning friends……….I know you have great intentions, and I know your heart is in the right place, so please don’t be offended if I haul ass and……………….
run

RUN!     ZELZEE,       RUN!

Secrets Behind The “C” Word

Sunday, March 8th, 2009

cancer1

Cancer…………….eek!……………….run!…………………hide!

What could Zelzee possibly find humorous about the “C” word?
Well, I have secrets to tell you……dark hidden secrets “they” don’t tell you about cancer treatments.

I was diagnosed last year with Cancer of an Unknown Primary…………..kinda rare……………….leave it to me! It was located in my chest wall, wrapped around my trachea and esophagus. I underwent chemotherapy and radiation treatments for many months.

Here are some of the truths of radiation therapy:

TOLD: “There will be a slight redness at the radiation site”
REALLY MEANS: Burn, baby, burn………….disco inferno on my chest! You will be wearing no sexy little cleavage peeker tops. There was a large sunburned (3rd degree at least!) circle on my chest. Wait………………..maybe I should have worn those tops……it would have been one way to get guys to look at my chest!

TOLD: “There may be some slight discomfort when you swallow”
REALLY MEANS: OUCH! OUCH! OUCH! OUCH! Severe esophagitis is a knife pain stabbing you from the shoulder blade in your back straight through to your boob EVERY TIME YOU SWALLOW!
Remember this when they say “slight”.

TOLD: You can change into these cute character decorated gowns before your treatment.
REALLY MEANS: These cute little character gowns are always missing the ties. Personally this didn’t bother me. I am always in a hurry, so I had no problem wrapping the gown around me and flying into the radiation area.
“Oh dear, Zelzee, you are exposing yourself!”
Zelzee calmly states that after two husbands, two children, and the true degradation of a couple colonoscopy’s thrown in for good measure, she really has no shame left.

TOLD: Treatments will be quick.
REALLY MEANS: NOT
Quick is waiting at a red light and the car behind you lays on his horn the second the light changes to green.
Quick is alcohol reaction on an empty stomach.
When you have to lay still………………………afraid the wrong organ will get fried if you move……….THAT, my friend is not quick!

Radiation was just one of my many adventures as I traveled down that bumpy ol’ road known as Cancer Lane.

The List Or What Was I Thinking?

Wednesday, March 4th, 2009

wedding-cake-topper

When I saw this wedding cake topper, it got me to thinking………could I be a marriage junkie, but wait!……. what if I’m addicted to divorce??? Maybe I’m nothing but a name collector.
After two husbands, I have learned to call the man I am with “hon”. This helps eliviate the problem of calling out the wrong name in the throes of passion………Just a little tip from one of my many “marriage” life lessons.

Hubby #1 and I get along pretty good. Time really does heal all things, plus after all these years, it’s harder to remember why he was such an ass.

Now, #2 on the other hand is one that I would love to drop a bomb in his underwear and blow his brains out…………obviously, not enough time has passed with #2.

In the meantime, I have acquired “the list”. If any “hon” comes close to displaying any attributes on “the list”…………………….take it from me, and haul ass! It has taken me many years of wedded bliss to complile this list.

  1. The groaner…………no, not at hot, sexy pant, pant moments………………he groans when he stands
    up, squats or walks.
  2. The shuffler………..shuffles his draggy little feet when he walks……….oh, speaking of walking, really
    run like hell if he uses a walking stick.
  3. The lister…………makes lists. Not neurotic normal lists (like this one………..very normal), no I’m talking the one
    worked on every night in a detailed blow by blow line item of what he will be doing every moment of the
    next day………oh yes, its in chronological order…………..If he makes a list for you, roll your eyes,
    laugh hysterically in his face and burn that piece of paper!
  4. The locked glove compartment……………he’s cheating on you.
  5. The “everyone in the world is against me”……………..oh pahleeese……you pathetic little whiner.
  6. The lawn nazi………………this one actually knows what those ratio thingys on a bag of fertilizer mean.
  7. The wallet hider………………..he’s cheating on you.
  8. The collector……………Q. “What is this stupid little pebble and why are you saving it?”
    A. “I can never part with this beautiful pebble. It was a pebble lodged in my fathers boot when he was
    in France during WWII. Look at the way the sun hits it at twelve noon, why it looks like the silhouette of my mother, my dear, dear sainted mother, who at the age of…………………………………”
    Are you following this?
  9. The anti social hermit……………..needs no explaining.
  10. The birdman………………….Anyone with more than two birdfeeders is in need of therapy.

OK, enough ramblings about hubby #2.
“The List” is still a work in progress………………………..to be continued……………….
Goodnight “hon”.

Where Oh Where Has My Paycheck Done Gone

Monday, March 2nd, 2009

papers

Packing up my records for last year, I realized that a 6″ stack of papers rubberbanded together represents a snapshot of my whole life in 2008.
Holy mother of debt! how could this have cost me almost every cent I earned?
Let’s see what’s in one year of Zelzee’s life:

AIG/VALIC

hawaii
My retirement account………………..WHAT retirement account? At this rate I will never be able to retire……….I’ll be working until I drop dead in my office and they drag me out by my feet………………..I can only hope I wear pants to work that day.

CREDIT CARDS

credit-card
Used ONLY to purchase necessities……….HONEST………..like those cute little jeans I don’t fit into anymore, and of course the darling little tops to wear when I go out…………….oh right, I can’t afford to go out.

HEATING BILLS

thermostat
Heat? Heat? My house is sooooooo cold that my butt freezes to the toilet seat……………..gotta remember NOT to lick the toilet seat!!

ELECTRIC BILLS

electric
I like to refer to my lighting habit as “Mood Enhancement”. Anyway, I noticed when you have the lights turned on full power, you get to see all those piles of dust! Enough of that………………light off…………

CAR PAYMENT

car
Color me spoiled……………..walk the one mile to work?…………I don’t think so!

MORTGAGE

house
Let’s see………………….I pay ALOT of money to the bank, so I can mow, weed, landscape, water, paint, shovel snow, wash windows, perform maid service, trim trees, replace the roof, and caulk anything I can find………………..hungry, hungry house!

GARBAGE COLLECTION

garbage
Well, I don’t want it anymore.

CABLE TV

tvtv1
This is a MUST HAVE! I am totally hooked on reality tv, but I would rather tap dance on a bald head before I will admit it.

CELL PHONE

cellphone1
Cell phones are God’s way of reminding me I’m old! What ARE some of these features on my phone?
- “digital dial readout” ……..A bar of soap that talks to you in the shower?
- “tools on the go” ………A jetsetting toolbox?
And where is the “Senior” dial pad? did I miss that option somewhere along the way?

Zelzee’s year was very, very expensive.
The 6″ stack of papers told me so.