scattering mindless trivia

Archive for March, 2009

Perks of Aging

Wednesday, March 18th, 2009

old-lady

Went to visit a relative who is in a “skilled nursing facility”…………………..aka……..stuck in a nursing home until THEIR doctor declares them healed enough to leave. This is usually 30 days. A miracle happens on day 31 and you are discharged………………….nothing to do with the fact that insurance covers you for only 30 days……………..hmmmmmm

The friend who was with me at the nursing home is a very gullible bleeding heart compassionate soul. She grinned from ear to ear when a sweet little dolled up Resident perched in her wheelchair reached out for her hand. Resident sweetly asked my friend if she was her daughter.

My friend softly replied “No, dear, I’m not.”

Resident then shrieked at the top of her lungs “You son of a bitch, I hate you!” ……………all the while shaking her fist in my friend’s face.

Needless to say, me and friend made no more eye contact or kindly gestures to the residents.

Now this little experience got me to thinking…………………….(friend is still in therapy), but that’s a different story……………….there ARE perks to getting old. You just have to look past the loss of bodily functions to find them.

  • No more dentist visits…………..just drop ‘em in a jar at night and glue them back in the next day.
  • Canes………..If someone says or does something you don’t like, you can stomp the  cane down on their foot and saying innocently, “Oh my dear, I am so sorry”. They may look at you suspiciously, but they can never prove a thing.
  • Handicap placard…………..sort of like the best seat in the house.
  • Depends………you’ll never miss another part of a movie again.
  • Free coffee refills at McDonalds – needs no explanation…………the word free is involved.
  • Staying with the food theme……….senior discounts at the local “buffet” restaurant…..the word discount is involved.
  • Senior Fairs………These little events are filled with hundreds of “give aways” that you don’t need, but you take two of everything anyway…………again, guess what word is involved………you’re catching on here!
  • You can play the game “scare the shit out of the driver behind you”……..when they can’t see a head in the driver seat of your car. 
  • Forgetfulness…………is accepted and expected.
  • You can say, “You son of a bitch, I hate you!”

Work It Baby, Work It Out

Monday, March 16th, 2009

I promised myself I was going to be sooooo good this year and start an exercise program in 2009.  I was going to begin on January 1.
In fact this was Zelzee’s #1 New Years Resolution.
I gave this resolution deep thought in January, and serious consideration in February……along comes March………is there a statute of limitations on resolutions? No?


Well…………
I remembered these great ab exercises in one of my favorite magazines a few months ago……..yes, yes, I am getting excited………..an ab workout is just what I need!!!!
So, I dug through my bags of recyclables……………whew! I sure have alot of paper crap  junk mail and papers………
Ok, ok, back hurts from bending over so long, but I FOUND IT!!!!

magazine

Ok, hot bod………….I’m on my way……

Weights……….weights………..where are my weights?
Oh no, did I sell them in my garage sale? (There’s not much I  I won’t do for a quarter). No, I’m sure I didn’t…………so where…………..

PLEASE…NOT IN THE BASEMENT!!
That is the Bermuda Triangle!!! Anything that sail down those steps disappears………………never to be viewed by human eyes again.
Thank you! Thank you! Found them little suckers…………..they were hiding in the hall closet………….come out, come out, little guys, I won’t hurt you.


weights

Not to worry, I’m still pumped about working out…………..I guess

Wait! some of these exercises call for a resistance band…………………….where?
Oh…………………there………
band
Starting to get a little edgy here……………
No, Zelzee, get serious………It’s time to start working out!
Sigh……………
Now I need my reading glasses to read how to do these exercises…………….
Double sigh…………
What to wear? I don’t have a stupid  cute little exercise outfit like the girl in the magazine.
Stress, stress……
Will these exercises only work if you are wearing matching stretchy thingys? Oh, God, even her shoes match her outfit!

 

Just shut up, and start already!
Start on the first exercise…………..ouch! ouch! pain……………
what do you mean I have to do more than one?……..10 reps?………..are you a masochist flippin’ for real?
Something is strained………….or pulled…………………or torn, and I haven’t even picked up a weight yet.
Know what? Forget this!………..why should I put my body through this unnatural torture?

Tops are big and baggy this year…………….
And who needs to see my butt?? I’ll just walk around backwards…………

Alrighty then………………I’m repossessing this resolution.
Problem solved!!!!!

All this jumping around here like an idiot loon  commotion has made me hungry!
Give me a minute…I’ll find that chapter on healthy eating!


burger

Tomorrow……….

The Divine Miss Diva

Friday, March 13th, 2009

I just returned from a pampered spa treatment and a complete make-over. I must admit I was treated like a princess……………..something I can honestly say I am not accustomed to.

I called yesterday and can you believe it , I was able to get in at 5:00 at Miss Diva’s Beauty Salon. This is THE hottest, hippest salon in town!….Color me flippin’ lucky!

I was a few minutes late, but Miss Diva was very understanding:

Diva: “You’re late! I have been waiting for you, Zelzee”! Uh oh………hands were on hips…….

Zelzee: “Sorry there was a long line at the liquor corner store.” Like she need to know where I have really been!

Diva: “Come into my parlor”.  I know I have heard this somewhere before………..hmmmmm…..something about a spider & a fly?

Diva: “Did you bring a picture?” Diva is VERY demanding.

Zelzee: “Of what? My last vacation?”  Yeeks…..ugly, ugly glare……….Diva has NO sense of humor.

Diva: “………Sigh………….what ‘look’ do you want?”  Uh oh, now toes are tapping……….this is NOT good.

Zelzee: “Oh, please, Diva, just use your own judgement”.  Is she nuts?…as the ‘looks’ I  can obtain are limited …….I only have about 1 1/2″ of hair.

Diva: “We will spike it. Oh, and your eyes look very, very bad. We will have to put some eyeshadow on you.” I really didn’t think I had bad eyes. Bloodshot maybe, but not really ‘bad’.

Zelzee: “Go for it……………..you’re the professional.” Please let me look human when I leave here.

Diva: “Well, you’re starting to look good……………..let me blow dry your hair now.” Diva handed me the plug and actually expected me to plug in the blow dryer!

Zelzee: “Um, are we almost done?….this chair is starting to hurt my back.” Zelzee is getting impatient.

Diva: “You must be patient!” Shit, did I say that out loud?

Zelzee: “Um, are we done now?” Zelzee is STILL getting impatient……and a sore butt  from sitting still so long.

Diva: “……….sigh……………just one more thing. Your nails are terrible. We MUST put some nail polish on them.” Well, of course we must.

Zelzee: “OK, NOW are we done?”

Diva: “Yes, Grandma, and see how beautiful you look!”

I was pampered by the BEST!
6 year old Diva granddaughter was very patient with an antsy Grandma Zelzee. I must admit I am now drop dead gorgeous!

Lookin’ sexy, mama………………………
Perhaps I will take the nail polish off, though. Diva picked blue sparkle, and since I will be going in for some tests tomorrow……………….I don’t want to freak them out and have them try to start resuscitating me if they see blue nails on the table!!!!!

Wait! What does the resuscitator look like????

fingers1

Admit it……………..do these nails rock or what?

Zelzee Zelzee Quite Contrary How Does Your Garden Grow

Thursday, March 12th, 2009

They say spring is right around the corner.

They also said we were going to have a mild winter……..(AFTER 7,252 inches of snow , and I’m sure we’re NOT done yet!)

Anyway that stupid, rodent faced little groundhog got me to thinking about outdoor projects I would like to work on this year.
Zelzee’s backyard garden really leaves much to be desired…………….

garden

(Zelzee calls this a garden?  Shame on you for even thinking of pretty names to call this swamp land….)

So, I have spent all winter making all kinds of wonderful plans for my little garden…………………
I plan to transform it into this…………………

 

garden1

What are the odds? One maybe two weekends?