scattering mindless trivia

Perks of Aging

old-lady

Went to visit a relative who is in a “skilled nursing facility”…………………..aka……..stuck in a nursing home until THEIR doctor declares them healed enough to leave. This is usually 30 days. A miracle happens on day 31 and you are discharged………………….nothing to do with the fact that insurance covers you for only 30 days……………..hmmmmmm

The friend who was with me at the nursing home is a very gullible bleeding heart compassionate soul. She grinned from ear to ear when a sweet little dolled up Resident perched in her wheelchair reached out for her hand. Resident sweetly asked my friend if she was her daughter.

My friend softly replied “No, dear, I’m not.”

Resident then shrieked at the top of her lungs “You son of a bitch, I hate you!” ……………all the while shaking her fist in my friend’s face.

Needless to say, me and friend made no more eye contact or kindly gestures to the residents.

Now this little experience got me to thinking…………………….(friend is still in therapy), but that’s a different story……………….there ARE perks to getting old. You just have to look past the loss of bodily functions to find them.

  • No more dentist visits…………..just drop ‘em in a jar at night and glue them back in the next day.
  • Canes………..If someone says or does something you don’t like, you can stomp the  cane down on their foot and saying innocently, “Oh my dear, I am so sorry”. They may look at you suspiciously, but they can never prove a thing.
  • Handicap placard…………..sort of like the best seat in the house.
  • Depends………you’ll never miss another part of a movie again.
  • Free coffee refills at McDonalds – needs no explanation…………the word free is involved.
  • Staying with the food theme……….senior discounts at the local “buffet” restaurant…..the word discount is involved.
  • Senior Fairs………These little events are filled with hundreds of “give aways” that you don’t need, but you take two of everything anyway…………again, guess what word is involved………you’re catching on here!
  • You can play the game “scare the shit out of the driver behind you”……..when they can’t see a head in the driver seat of your car. 
  • Forgetfulness…………is accepted and expected.
  • You can say, “You son of a bitch, I hate you!”
  1. 7 Responses to “Perks of Aging”

  2. By BOSSY on Mar 20, 2009 | Reply

    Hmm – maybe Bossy won’t despise her next birthday as much…

  3. By Becky on Mar 20, 2009 | Reply

    I look forward to the day that I can make everyone repeat what they say, beat people with canes and turn into Shirley McClaine from Steel Magnolias. Because I totally am.

  4. By KathyB! on Mar 20, 2009 | Reply

    When you frame it up like this, suddenly it looks pretty good! I’m most looking forward to beating people with my cane :) Maybe I should start practicing now. You know, so I’m really good by the time I’m old.

  5. By Fiona Bryan on Mar 21, 2009 | Reply

    I like free stuff and I’m lazy so the depends would be good. I’ll need a facelift though because wrinkles piss me off.

  6. By Half-Past Kissin' Time on Mar 22, 2009 | Reply

    You, my friend, are hilarious. However did you find my blog? I’m glad you did. Now I must add one more. It’s about the “loss” of bodily functions, but it is a perk. You get to walk around farting out loud, pretending that you don’t hear it!

  7. By Half-Past Kissin' Time on Mar 22, 2009 | Reply

    P.S. How are you liking that Jodi Picoult book? I just couldn’t get into it, for some weird reason.

  8. By Hyphen Mama on Mar 26, 2009 | Reply

    I can’t wait to tell people what I really think of them, and nobody will stop me! And I’ll wear gawd-awful clothes (like the ones I wear now) and everybody will think I’m cute and eccentric. And keeping the lipstick in the lines? Nope, it’ll go from my nose to my chin and might cover a tooth or 2.

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